shadoweon (shadoweon) wrote,
shadoweon
shadoweon

How life has been. (Warning: Heavy issues, may be TMI)

I understand if people don't wish to read this due to heavy content but I figured i'd write out what i've been dealing with somewhere lately.

Back in 2019 I was hospitlized because my period got abnormally heavy/long (14 days, so heavy I couldn't really control it, I was growing very weak.) They gave me three blood transfusions,considered emergency surgery but decided against it and had me take two birth control pills a day until the bleeding stopped. Was diagnosed with a uterine fibroid. (Essentially, a benign tumor.) I was sent home and told to follow up with an OBGYN who was an affiiate of theirs.  She was incredibly dismissive, said she wouldn't do surgery of any kind for any reason unless I was trying to have a baby. I never expressed any interest in having a child but she didn't care, just pushed me to go onto depo-provera shots, dismissing me when I was concerned about costs/ transportation to her practice on such a frequent basis. Told me to go back to the ER if I bleed more than ten days but didn't show concern about anything else. I just had my birth control pills renewed and went home, never went back to her.

I go to a different doctor, she tries to blame it all on side effects of my birth control and PCOS. I say I need something done about this, she refers me to surgeon in that practice. He says he'll remove the fibroid if I want but its a "coin toss" as to wether or not it will help me get better but says i'm too anemic to do anything right now. Tells me to take iron pills, I get sick form them but have no choice but to take them anyways. I gave up on going back due to insurance costs, tried to wait things out. Enter March 2020. Bleeding comes back with a vegengence, I was able to reduce the bleeding temporarily with Ibuprofen but it eventually stopped working. It got so bad it was out of control even worse than what happened before. I was basically hemorraging blood.  One day I started fainting, I threw up while I was unconcious multiple times. At one point I was such a deep state of unconciousness I was dreaming about something but I cannot remember what. I eventually got to a point where I could not sit up without passing out and/or throwing up. I could barely hold open my eyes or speak.

I had to be carried out of my bathroom by EMTs and put in an ambulance. My hemogoblin count was at 4.6, normal level being around 10-13.  I had to have 4 blood transfusions to be stabilzed. Er Nurse said I likely would have died had I not sought treatment. But due to coronavirus they can't do any other treatment for me and sent me home. Just told me to take iron pills twice a day. It took me more than a week to be able to walk up and down stairs without getting dizzy after. I have to use a shower chair to shower.

Brian, my longtime online/long-distance boyfriend said he was sorry about what I was dealing with and that hopefully the corona restrictions will be over soon and I can get treatment shortly after I was discharged from the hospital....then he never signed on again. Sometimes hes been gone for a week or two so I thought he would return but no, he dissapeared without a trace. I messaged him multiple times until May but he never read my messages or signed on again. So after all this time, he left me and I don't know what I did wrong. I didn't even get to say goodbye, the last thing we talked about was movies...

My best friend of 14 years moved out of the state in early May. He had lived together with me as a roomate/boarder for about 5 years.  It was very hard to see him leave and he moved in with his girlfriend so its not really like I can just visit him and spend time at his home and feel relaxed since me and her aren't friends or anything. About two weeks ago he asked me if Brian had ever come back and when I told him no he told me he missed me perhaps more than he should. More than in a way he should for only a platonic friend.  He said he was having doubts about the girlfriend due to her not showing him affection much and said I showed him more affection as a friend when I lived with him than she does as his partner living with him.  He said he wanted to talk to her about things when the time was right.

But he started paying extra attention to me and being more affectionate in what he said (in messages).  He wished I was living there with him he said. I was (and am) still hurting over loosing Brian but he started to make me feel happier for a time. He seemed to imply he would like to be together with me as a partner in time. Then after talking with his girlfriend everything changed, he says he needs to see how things go with her and he cant just snap his fingers and be with me.  He slowly stopped showing the extra affection or attention, and I feel abandonded and unwanted. He just says if things don't work out with her he will be with me, like its expected that i'm not supposed to be hurt by being someone's back up plan. He would tell me that he didn't like things that Brian did so why would he do something just as cruel?

I feel like i'm not meant to have a relationship because no matter how much I show love and dedication to someone, they just throw me away anyways. They never show me those feelings back in the end. Its not like anyone shows interest in me much to begin with. I don't do casual dating and the like, and I have no local friends at this point. I am loosing my online friends too, only three remain now on any kind of consistant basis. I can't talk to my mom about anything, she just says she has to go to work and deal with her own things. The rest of the family is just like see you when Coronavirus is over so, years from now I guess...

I am loosing the ability to cope. I struggle to eat, I don't want to go outside, I don't want to take collection pictures, I don't want to do anything other than sleep. I would like to have a hug but I can't even have that, I don't even have a dog anymore. It's just me and my two birds but Midori had a stroke so now he is unwell himself.

I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like it would just be better for everyone if I wasn't in their hair anymore.  What do you do when you need someone but no one is there?


Tags: brian, friends, health, life, relationships, updates
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