Tags: feelings

Teatime Kura Icon

Tips for making friends if you're a furry/nerdy type of person?

I'm starting to kind of wonder if I have developed social anxiety or something simular. v_v I really don't have anyone to hang out with in person often.

I was taken to a local furmeet back in december by a friend because they thought it would help me make more friends. It actually ended up making me feel worse. I tried really hard to be friendly but while others were arranging to do stuff after the meet or talk online after,no one at all talked to me after unless I talked to them first. It doesn't help that I think the one guy couldn't even tell that I was a girl seeing as they refered to me as "person". =/

Now I just kind of feel a sense of sadness if anyone mentions social gatherings like that to me.  I don't really know where to find non hobbyist type groups to make friends, and people tend not to want to hang out with you if you don't have money to eat out and stuff.

I kind of avoid trying to meet up with online people that I don't know well/am definately friends with because its just too hard for me. My mom gets mad at me and calls me a shut-in but we are struggling to even buy food at times anymore. Why get after me when i'm not costing any money?

Does anyone have any advice for this kind of stuff? I don't really necessairily want to hang out with people who don't have an interest in nerdy/anime/animals/furry stuff because they may just think of me as weird. I speak quietly and am self concious.

I like having some time alone but I don't like it when days just run together and I don't get to leave the neighborhood for days and days at a time.
Kura icon by twinklestah

A Reoccurring Dream?

For the past few days I've been having this dream that is similar each time,but it is not a pleasant one. Each time I am at this weird board-walk like area except instead of an Ocean after the sand,there is only a large parking lot.

I don't remember the full details of why or how I ended up in this place but I remember tearing up thinking about my dad for some reason, likely because there are other happier families around.

Today when I woke up I had been actually crying I guess because there were dried tears on my face. I don't know what this dream means or why I keep having it but I wish it would stop. I haven't really had a reoccurring dream previously.

I  also haven't had many happy dreams in recent years,most are just very mundane/neutral or negative. I used to have nicer dreams like getting to spend time with Brian in person. Now it's just either me walking somewhere or more unpleasant things. Sometimes I just don't have any dreams at all,it's only black nothingness.

Being really sad about what happened with my friend, canilupine and his wife lately probably doesn't help either. I wonder why my dreams are like this?
Kura Eye Icon

(no subject)

This week/weekend has become increasingly worse as it goes on. I am just plain sick from how upsetting it is becoming,but I really don't know how make things in any way, shape or form better. v_v
Kura icon by twinklestah

An Overview of the Summer until Now.

In the middle of June I prettymuch dropped off the face of Livejournal, this was due to how time consuming the summer school courses were. We had to log in ATLEAST 14 hours a week, not including the four hours you had to spend on the classes each week in person at the host School's computers.

It was hell really, but its all over now. I have my diploma and I don't have to look back. So, that said I guess i'll go over what else has happened in these months:

Friends:
My real life friends have made no attempt to make any contact with me this summer, and assuming they are the ones that did the two prank calls I have removed all of them from anywhere I added them. Even for much of senior year it was hard to get them to spend any time with me well,except for one. Coming out of High School I don't have any RL friends anymore,which sucks but nothing much I can do. Hopefully I can make new ones when I get a job and eventually go to community collage.

As for online ones, I have mostly kept everyone close and have made some new friends as well. My contact was limited for awhile because of school but i'm freed up now so hopefully I can talk to all of them (and you guys here on LJ) more.

Brian:
I've barely gotten to talk to him this summer because of summer school plus he doesn't always reply when he is on and hes just not on very often lately. We talked a bit last week, which was nice but I hope I can talk to him more soon. Its hard having such limited contact with him since he is so dear to me, but I still love him as much as ever. <3

Pets:
All of the pets are fine, life is as usual with them.  There is,however, a new addition! A quaker parrot named Midori, who I think is a girl but we just got her sexed (to make sure) and haven't gotten the results back yet. I'll make sure to make a post about that once we know for sure. She has been here a little over a month now and was three months old when we got her.


Family:
Things with my Mom's side of the family are still pretty good and although I don't really enjoy being around my cousin's new Baby, I still see them often. ^^  As for my Dad's side of the family...I cannot say the same. I have gotten really tired of all their BS to be blunt, and as such I will not be visiting them anytime soon. If they wish to contact me they may, which most of them have not attempted. So yeahhh. I could go on about this in much more detail but for now I won't, because its not like its something nice to talk about anyway.

Collecting/Collections:
I've still been getting additions to my collections, i've just been too busy or lazy to post about them. I am thinking about attempting to sell alot of my non pokemon items because I don't feel much attachment to alot of it, plus I need to  make room for all the Eeevee/Eeveeloution stuff that will be coming to my house within a couple of months. @_@ I have been working a bit on my collection site this week, so it is a little more up to date that it has been.

Sleeping Kura Icon

Goobye Grandad...

Last night, my grandfather who had been sick in carrying degrees for the past couple of months,passed away. He died sometime around midnight.  The morning before this his heart had stopped and it took seven minutes to bring him back but they where able to do so. He had very little brain activity anymore though and he seemed to be in terrible pain, he was on a ventilator. Eventually they gave him morphine and took him off the ventilator once it was seen that there wasn't much that could be done for him anymore. He passed away within two minutes once this happened.

So, he never made it to his 90th birthday nor did he get to see home one last time, but I guess he isn't suffering anymore now. I've been trying not to cry too much because I just feel sick when I cry. :c

With his passing, both of my grandparents on my mom's side of the family are now gone, both on the dad's side are still here though. I'm still kinda having hard time coming to terms with this even though I knew the day was coming soon.
Sleeping Kura Icon

(no subject)

So i'm officially no longer friends with the person mentioned in my previous journal, they just blamed things on me when I told them how I felt. To the point in which it doesn't even make sense.  I have decided not to remove them/block them from my yahoo messenger list and give them the ability to talk to me again if they ever wish to apologize, but I will never approach them on my own anymore. Really sucks to loose a friend I've known for almost six years, but I get no benefit anymore...

Brian is really stressed lately, yesterday he told me that he was "sick of everything" but he wouldn't explain what that meant, he said he didn't want to talk about that. He told me "Please don't start this" when I tried to find out more. I asked him if this includes me too and he said no, so that's a little revealing but still really worried about him. I wish I could help him more.

Many of my online friends and rl friends are still rather "meh" except for a few, so I'm really depressed. It doesn't help that my grandfather's condition is still no better. Sleep is the only thing that gives me any relief these past couple of days, I don't want to go out anywhere because I'm too unhappy....

On a lighter note, I did get one new picture of Kura recently:
Its not entirely accurate but its still cute. c:
Kura tail wag/blink icon

(no subject)

My grandfather is doing better, he still is not ready to go home or anything but at this point I think hes going to be okay. He has the bacterial infection still but is moved out of critical care and is no longer given sedation so hes awake. My mom went to see him while I was at school today. So I feel a lot better now, I hope his recovery is quick but at least I know hes going to make it now. ^^
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(no subject)

Last night, my Grandfather's (on Mom's side)  condition got greatly worse.

He had been in a nursing home for little while now but only because he had Pneumonia, he was still talking to everyone and  was up to doing things well enough. I visited him once but since then only my mom had been really because it made me kind of sad to see him like that and I didn't think he could hear me that well when I talked and stuff.

But yesterday, my mom visited him in the afternoon (She usually visits every Sunday.) and he had been breathing oddly and rather heavily but the nurses there hadn't been doing anything about it. He told her before she left " In the evening I may have to go to the Emergency Room if this keeps up." (Not word for word what he said but the basic gist.)

Just that happened, he had respiratory failure. He was taken to the emergency room and sedated because his heart rate was so elevated. I went with my mom and my aunt to see him in the intensive care unit since I figured I should be there.  They sedated him using that Propoful stuff which concerned me seeing as that is what killed Micheal Jackson. D:

Before we left he sort of woke up and tried to talk to us (the dosage of propoful was really low) but he couldn't since he had a tube in his mouth that was giving him additional oxygen. I felt bad because he tried to pull out because of how uncomfortable it felt but we had to stop him from doing that. Eventually they increased the dosage and he went back to sleep or to being in a near-sleep state.

I felt sick to my stomach after awhile seeing him this way, it was upsetting as well as disturbing.  When we where waiting to go see him there was this large Spanish family that had rosaries and eventually were crying, they been going in this closed off room in the unit  alot. Presumably, one of their family members must have been dying so that was sad to see too. =(

I stayed home from school today because I was feeling depressed about the situation, I didn't sleep very well last night either. In the morning my aunt called to say that now anyone who visits him has to wear a mask to avoid any worsening of the bacterial infection he apparently has. He has a very elevated white cell count.

I hope he can pull out of this...this is so sad. Currently he is "Critical" condition.
Walking Kura Icon

<3

Yesterday I talked to Brian for quite awhile and in addition to just the usual things we talk about, we talked about our future a little bit. I asked him if after I graduate if I could come to live with him, he said once he gets his own place I can. ^^ In addition to that he said if he had lived on his own the entire time, he would have had me live with him while I went to school, just would have went to school where he lives. Awww <3

That really made me happy to know. ^^  We also talked about music some today and he linked me this pretty remix-song I hadn't heard before:



He wants to play a multi-player game that we can play together once I get my computer back, which is this week. :3 I tell him he is an awesome person a lot,but he really is. He accepts every stupid little part of me.  Sometimes he may not be on that much but I can give up a little time with him here and there when he makes it up like this.
Walking Kura Icon

Christmas is coming way too early this year, it would seem.

I enjoy Christmas and the holiday season in general, but I noticed it has been brought upon us earlier and earlier each year by stores and TV and such. Thanksgiving and after is okay with me, but now it is practically in-full swing now and its not even Thanksgiving!

Last weekend I saw the Grinch cartoon airing on TBS one night, I thought that was ridiculous but that it could not get any worse-I was wrong. Tonight when I was coming home from going to Target with my mom, I saw a Christmas tree (lit up too!) in someone's living room neighborhood. What the actual fuck?

This is getting insane now. D: I like Christmas and all as much as the next person (both for the decorations/TV specials/etc. stuff and for the religious side), but this is too much. I guess some people just ignore this if they don't like it but I find that hard to do. Is anyone else experiencing this were they are?o_o